


A tearful farewell

by Cursedhurricane



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Break Up, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Post-Break Up, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 21:15:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20316136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cursedhurricane/pseuds/Cursedhurricane
Summary: Chanyeol treats Love carelessly and loses it.





	A tearful farewell

He looks at the clock on the wall...  
It's 11pm now.  
He sighs and goes back to the game because Jongdae calls him out in the headset. He feels so frustrated that he gets killed three times in a row and he hears Jongdae again “put yourself together” but Baekhyun wonders just how ?  
How when his boyfriend hasn't been home all day, how when he spends his every days alone without a message or a call ?  
How when he spends half of the night alone and when he wakes up in the morning his lover is already planning to escape their apartment for the rest of the day?  
How do you wake up from this daze and break that vicious circle you're trapped in for months ? Who would have the guts to end it all ?

Baekhyun realizes it's not Chanyeol who'll break up. Not the kind hearted Chanyeol who never wants to hurt anyone around but ends up giving Baekhyun so much suffering, the irony.  
They don't share anything anymore and the conversations are one sided because Baekhyun always listens to the exciting adventures of his boyfriend while he remains closed up in his dunjeon.  
The Prince Charming isn't sweeping him off his feet, he just comes at night, embraces him sometimes when he's not too tired from wandering into the kingdom but he's not saving Baekhyun.

He wonders if they're really meant to be ? The evidence he felt in the beginning isn't there anymore, it's replaced with uncertainty and fear of the future. It was real while it lasted though.  
They were gross and embarrassing to sit with, their hands and mouths all over each other even in front of their friends.  
The I love yous and endearing pet names.  
They hated it all. Baekhyun remembers Kyungsoo snapped and sat between them so they'd stop being disgusting while they were trying to watch the latest korean drama he starred in.  
Baekhyun remembers how Jongin once stated that they were a couple goal for him, that he wanted to feel such harmony and unspoken love emanating from his future relationship.  
And Minseok who'd tell them to stop acting like an old couple with the habits and same old routine...

They'd always order in on friday nights and watch TV shows on Netflix, to then literally chill on the couch or anywhere else. Chanyeol would always cook for Baekhyun in the morning.  
Baekhyun would always massage Chanyeol's stiff shoulders and back from working out too much at the gym. Chanyeol would innocently tell his boyfriend he prepared him a bath and they'd end up in it together everytime.  
Baekhyun would leave the comfort of their home sweet home to go buy Chanyeol's favorite pastries an hour away. Chanyeol would rise the heater's temperature for Baekhyun even if himself would spend the night feeling too hot.  
It was the little things...  
The little things that turned into dust little by little, erased one after another like they never mattered.  
The first friday night Chanyeol ditched him Baekhyun curled up on the couch with his thoughts.  
The next wasn't different.  
From a habit of theirs it became something foreign and one friday it hit Baekhyun, that it will never come back. He asked Chanyeol “let's watch a movie like we used to” but he had other plans. He was going out with his childhood friends. He didn't ask if Baekhyun wanted to come, no he didn't.

But then again, Baekhyun asked for it.  
He was the one who liked home best. He was the one who hated crowds and noisy atmospheres.  
He was the homebody and Chanyeol a globetrotter.  
He wonders why at first he didn't notice they were polar opposites.

He tried, Baekhyun tried going out more and tag along. Chanyeol was a magnet and people were orbiting around him like he's the Sun. He envied it, the way his boyfriend attracted everyone , how he'd get along almost instantly with strangers.  
Baekhyun was shy at first, observant, careful. Often he felt out of place because he couldn't fit in Chanyeol's daily life. He was the wallflower too immersed in his self consciousness to reach out and befriend people. So he knew Chanyeol's friend always invited him out of politeness rather than because they genuinely enjoyed his presence.  
He didn't trust them, a gut instinct deep down that he had never been able to put aside. He wasn't himself with them and Chanyeol was no exception.  
He hated it, Baekhyun hated it how the touchy and attentive Chanyeol disappeared as soon as his friends were in the picture. He'd be left alone in a corner playing on his phone like he was invisible.  
Forgotten.

So at one point it was so unbearable he had stood up and had left in the middle of a gathering with Chanyeol's friends. They were playing poker and Baekhyun couldn't get the rules even after the countless nights he spent trying to play with them. They gave up after a while and Baekhyun did too.  
Sometimes they'd bet actual money and it irritated Baekhyun so much to see Chanyeol involded. He was always so careless with his finances while Baekhyun was the one who'd save up regularly in case of any type of emergency.  
So when Chanyeol didn't have any cash anymore, one night, he jokingly said that he was ready to bet his necklace.  
A gold necklace that Baekhyun had given to him for the first of Chanyeol's birthday they spent together.  
It was a tiny golden guitar.  
He knew how much Chanyeol affectionated the instrument. It was Chanyeol's acoustic guitar that sparked a fire between them one day, while they were sprawled on the grass after class. Chanyeol had strummed the chords and Baekhyun had sung for him...  
He recalls perfectly Chanyeol's happiness when he opened the box and spotted the gift a few months later.  
So when those words passed his boyfriend's lips, even as a joke, it drew the line to Baekhyun.  
He stood up and left.  
And no one noticed until it was 3am and they were out of money to play.

“Why did you leave ?”

Baekhyun is lying on his side of the bed, his eyes turned towards the window and from here he can see the street lights. He isn't replying, he doesn't want to talk to Chanyeol.

“I said why did you leave without me ?” Chanyeol sits beside him but Baekhyun still ignores his boyfriend. He's so mad. He spent the walk home on the verge of tears and now he's in a lethargy, an emotionless stupor.

“Let me sleep.”

Chanyeol frowns. Baekhyun isn't usually one to shut him out and his whole body screams distance and emanates coldness. He wonders what is happening, why his boyfriend is so closed up in his own little world and why he can't reach out to him. It's tiring for Chanyeol. Tiring to always be the one who goes out his way for Baekhyun to talk. “Good night."

He closes the door of the bathroom and doesn't hear Baekhyun breaking down in their bedroom.

It started like this.  
Tiny unresolved issues, silent arguments.  
But neither of them takes time to talk it out and fix things. From one knot to another, their relationship turns into a mess, a bundle of things unsaid and resentment.

Chanyeol stops including Baekhyun in his daily life and Baekhyun refuses to hang out with him and his friends. It's become mutual.  
They still share meals, a bed together but these days, Baekhyun is amazed when Chanyeol makes it home for dinner and when they go to sleep together.  
The passionate kisses turned into quick pecs, it's a forced ritual that makes them believe everything's not over yet.

There are nights when Chanyeol comes home late and reeks of soju and the next thing Baekhyun can taste is his lips against his, and he likes it that his boyfriend claims him after weeks left untouched, unloved, he loves it when Chanyeol fucks him with need, his lips urging and wild.  
He leaves him breathless, begging and submitted to him, he leaves marks to help him remember how this was real, how it happened and it wasn't just a dream.  
Chanyeol coaxes him into the night, pounds into him mercilessly and Baekhyun is a mess of moans and cries. He calls Chanyeol's name and scratches him, sober but drunk on Chanyeol's ministrations.  
But when he tells Chanyeol “I love you” once it's over he can hear the silence engulfing his entire body when minutes prior it was Chanyeol's warmth and grunts around him.  
The way Chanyeol mumbles me too crushes his heart in the darkness of their bedroom.  
He feels used, a rag doll, a disposable product Chanyeol only knows when alcohol turns him all hot and bothered. Baekhyun finds himsef thinking that it could be anybody, Chanyeol would fuck them the same.  
It's not because it's Baekhyun.  
It's only convenient that Baekhyun's here for his selfish needs.

“You should talk to him before it's too late.”

He hears Jongdae say that to him while the next game is loading. Jongdae's been a reliable source of support and a shoulder to cry on – virtually because they haven't met yet – and Baekhyun is so grateful that he's willing to be his confidant. Kyungsoo's busy with his career and he's more Chanyeol's friend than his.  
Sehun's into acting school and they don't hang out much anymore. Baekhyun thinks of Minseok but holds himself back...  
What's the point in openly admitting their couple failed ?  
He isn't brave enough to crush everyone's beliefs that nothing can separate them.  
Baekhyun feels ashamed even. How from a pair they became two different entities, functioning without one another perfectly ?

“I think we're beyond repair Dae.”

He clicks frenetically on the mouse and hears Jongdae sigh. “You both don't even try to fix anything. I don't know why you both have your pride. You told me you guys weren't like that before.”

Baekhyun curses because he was unfocused, his mind all about Chanyeol because of Jongdae's words. He gets shot and slams his fist on his desk. The mouse moves farther away and Jongdae chuckles. “Touché.”

“I became unimportant Dae. I don't know why I should let him know, it's his role to realize he's taking me for granted.”

But Jongdae doesn't sugar coat, Jongdae isn't here to say what he wants to hear. He's bluntly honest and doesn't care if it hurts. He's always for the truth, only the truth.

“You became unimportant yourself Baekhyun-ah. You disappeared from his field of vision, you were the one who thought you weren't worth fighting for.”

Baekhyun bites his lips nervously. He stops when Jongdae speaks again.

“It takes two to tango, don't blame Chanyeol for everything. You're both at faults here.”

It hits Baekhyun a bit too violently. He's been acting like a victim the last few months, he's been withdrawing himself in games and fictional worlds where he doesn't have to face his struggles.  
He's the coward.  
But Chanyeol's one too.  
He escapes their love nest and finds any excuses to get out from here, from the sight of a boyfriend too concerned by his progress in League of Legends.  
And now he sees it, Baekhyun sees the pattern, this game they play, which one of the two will get away first ?

So when Chanyeol comes home that evening, tired from his day he expected that Baekhyun would be at his computer, gaming but instead, he's sitting at the kitchen table with plates full of food.  
He smiles and welcomes Chanyeol who apparently came home from the gym. He's carrying his gym bag, hair still wet from a shower and Baekhyun can smell his citrus shampoo from where he is.  
They sit together since what's been a very long time and the silence's awkward. Chanyeol eats because he's hungry but also to avoid talking to a boyfriend he can't communicate with anymore.  
Baekhyun's disappointed but he remembers Jongdae's words about his pride and he decides to be the bigger person for once.

“Chanyeollie, can we talk ?”

Oh God.  
Those words. How much he dreaded them. How much he silently thanked Baekhyun everytime he wouldn't be pronouncing them but he's doing it now.  
Chanyeol wants to pack a bag and go, go anywhere but here in the suffocating expecting silence that follows Baekhyun's words.  
He hates it.

“What is it about ?”

He fights his anxiety, fights the fear but Baekhyun looks uneasy. Right, he wants to talk about the lie they're both living for months now ?  
He's not ready to have this talk, Chanyeol's been lost and he's been putting distance to figure himself out. He tries to live without Baekhyun and see if he could live without him at all. It's hard, he cares so much about his boyfriend but not enough to linger around him more than a few hours. He doesn't know what he wants.  
Chanyeol knows he still loves Baekhyun but not in the same way as before.

“About us. You and me.”

Of course.  
Chanyeol knew.

“I'm listening.”

Baekhyun refrains a smirk. Chanyeol really wouldn't be the upfront one, he's still hiding behind a façade and Baekhyun wants to hammer it down, destroy it and see Chanyeol bare. He wants the old Chanyeol back, not this pretender.

“We've drifted apart.”  
He plays with the food, picks it up and lets it fall from his chopsticks. Chanyeol's eyes follow his movements, avoiding Baekhyun's sad eyes. He swallows and stops eating.

“I want to know if you still love me. If you still consider me even. If you don't...I'll just leave for good.”

Chanyeol tries his best not to look surprised. He expected Baekhyun to beat around the bush, to be vague, to bring up that they should do things together again but not the perspective of a possible break up. It's unsettling, it never crossed Chanyeol's mind that Baekhyun would go to such extent.  
His boyfriend's been a scaredy cat hiding in the comfort of their apartment, he's become someone who'd rather avoid any type of discomfort than be this bold risk taker.

“What-...You-...Baekhyunnie I _still_ love you.”

It's the still that draws the line for Baekhyun. He wonders. “Until when ?”

Chanyeol frowns. “What do you mean until when ?”

Baekhyun laughs like a sad clown. Chanyeol looks at him with that stupid expression and Baekhyun wants to hit his face so bad.

“You said still Park Chanyeol. You still love me but until when ?”

Chanyeol chuckles nervously, really he wasn't ready for this conversation and he gave himself away just like that. He doesn't know until when. Probably until he finds someone else he's ready for ? The trouble of getting to know someone new is still too much of a bother but he doesn't know when it'll come back, when he'll be ready again to fall for someone else.  
He's never wanted to hurt Baekhyun, he loves him and even if they break up, he will always love Baekhyun dearly.  
And he doesn't want to hurt him. He doesn't want to see him cry.

“I don't know Baekhyun.”

It's true. He doesn't know. “I'm not saying there's a peremption date, just that we never know what might happen. Maybe one day you won't love me anymore Baekhyun.”

He grabs a piece of spicy fried chicken sprinkled with sesame seeds but lets it fall back on the plate. It was a dish he learned from his mother and Chanyeol loved it so much they had stopped ordering the fried chicken from their favorite place. He remembers the first times he tried cooking for Chanyeol, it had been a disaster and only after a hardworking month he had mastered the recipe. The sauce really tasted like his mother's.  
Chanyeol had been so proud. He'd always ask Baekhyun to cook it for him and it became a regular dish on their table.  
He really hates it now though. He hates the recipe, he hates chicken, he hates Chanyeol. He's containing himself, he's a minute away from exploding.

“Don't turn shit around.” Well, it comes out a lot more strong than in his head. The words are filled with rage and Chanyeol notices.

“It's true, what if one day we don't love each other anymore ?”

Chanyeol looks almost scared. Baekhyun's a volcano ready to erupt.

“Aren't you tired of being a hypocrite ?”

Baekhyun sees the shock on Chanyeol's face. Here, take it, he thinks. Take the punch.

“You always try so hard to be loved by everyone when you suck at loving someone else.”

Chanyeol's speechless, Baekhyun is spilling venom everytime he opens that mouth of his.

“At this point, I'm the only one trying to fix things while you probably don't even love me anymore. You keep up his game of charades only because it's convenient.”

“Baekhyun I swear I love you ! Will you just listen to me and-”

He's cut short.  
Baekhyun's chair screeches on the floor, he stands up, takes his jacket in the entrance and leaves.

Chanyeol is left with his thoughts, with the food Baekhyun prepared for him after weeks of him eating out or coming home too late to share a meal. His boyfriend cooked and bought all his favorites and it crushes Chanyeol's heart a little.  
But he's also mad that Baekhyun's been bottling up and spitting in his face what he really thinks of him after all. It hurts his ego. It's almost surprising because Baekhyun has always been admiring him, always has been praising him. It's a disenchantment.  
He finishes his meal, convinced that his boyfriend went out to calm down and that he'll be home soon. He proceeds to wrap up Baekhyun's plate and places it in the fridge so he can heat it up when he comes back home. He then does the dishes and waits for Baekhyun's return on the couch with the TV as a background noise while he tries to call him again and again. It's been an hour and he's still not here.  
But Baekhyun won't pick up his calls.

Chanyeol wanders in the apartment like a lost soul, worried about his boyfriend's whereabouts.

At 11pm, Chanyeol calls them one after another from Kyungsoo, to Sehun, Jongin and finally Minseok.

“Why are you asking ? Did you argue with Baekhyun ?”

“If you hear about him Minseok hyung please call me.”

Chanyeol rejects his hyung's proposition to talk about it and hangs up after thanking him.

At 4am, Baekhyun isn't back yet. Chanyeol finds himself outside, waiting to see if he recognizes his boyfriend's silhouette in their street.

At 5am, he hears the door bell and rushes to open.  
Baekhyun's here, half asleep and held by someone Chanyeol doesn't know.

“You're Chanyeol right ?”

He nods, suspicious of this man he's never seen before.

“I'm Kim Jongdae, one of Baekhyun's friend from Battlegrounds. We met to have a drink but well, as you can see he had more than one...”

Chanyeol reaches out to hold his boyfriend, Baekhyun lets him because he's not sober enough to push him away and right now he wants to be put to bed.

“You could have picked my calls, I was so worried all night long !”

“You left me worrying like that so many times Yeol...”

Jongdae bows, excuses himself and turns around when he hears Chanyeol thanking him for bringing Baekhyun home.  
He closes the door, removes Baekhyun's sneakers, his clothes and brings him to bed. He closes the curtains because the sun will rise soon. He'll call in sick at work and will have to do so for Baekhyun as well.

Here in the semi darkness of their bedroom, Chanyeol holds Baekhyun tight, his hands drawing patterns on his skin. He feels Baekhyun closer, attracted by the warmth emanating from his skin and Chanyeol wonders when was the last time they cuddled like this, in their underwears ?  
He can't remember, it's maddening.  
His hand travels down Baekhhun's back and he can't stop himself from touching his butt, molding it while he kisses Baekhyun's neck.

The throaty moans and growing length pressing against his set the mood.  
He wants Baekhyun.  
It's something that hasn't changed. They might not have sex as much as before but everytime they sleep together, Chanyeol can't help himself.  
He tried though, tried stopping his hands from touching Baekhyun after spending days ignoring him but he's attracted. Baekhyun's gorgeous in every way and will always be in his eyes.

They can't resist. Baekhyun forgets he was sleepy when Chanyeol keeps him awake.  
And he feels how needy Baekhyun is for him, how he writhes with pleasure from the slightest touch and kiss, from his fingers inside of him.

“Please...Chanyeol...”

So he takes him. He fills Baekhyun and kisses him languidly, his pace matching, slow, unrushed, soft. Chanyeol's in no mood to handle Baekhyun carelessly.  
There's a choking sound and it's only until Chanyeol feels his shoulder wet that he rests on his elbows to see that indeed, Baekhyun's crying.  
He stops.

“Baby what's wrong ?”

He kisses his forehead, his temple, his nose. He wipes away the tears and kisses his salty lips.

“Tell me, why are you crying ?”

Baekhyun's hips move forward, urging Chanyeol to continue. They kiss between the waves of sadness as Chanyeol digs deeper between Baekhyun's thighs.

“You're making love to me...When was the last time ?”

“I can't remember.”

Baekhyun sobs at that. He sobs and cries when Chanyeol hits his sweet spot deep inside.  
He indeed still loves him. Baekhyun wonders again, until when ?  
Until when is Chanyeol going to lie to himself ?  
Maybe it's the last time they're making love and it brings so much sorrow in Baekhyun's heart. He needs to savor it, to make it last and breathe in the moment. So he lights up the lamp and see through the tears the face of the man he so desperately loves.  
Chanyeol smiles tenderly at him and wipes the wetness away. “I love you, don't doubt me again.”

They spend the day after together and everything feels like a dream, Chanyeol is full of gestures and attention for Baekhyun and it brings them back to the beginning of their love story.  
Baekhyun missed this so much. He's on cloud nine, if it only took an argument to gain his boyfriend back, Baekhyun would have done this a long time ago.  
He feels the happiest until Chanyeol propose they join his friends for a drink. And it's when Baekhyun's face falls.

“Can't we stay home ? Spend some time together ?”

Chanyeol laughs. “We spent the whole day together at home Baekhyunnie.”

Baekhyun really didn't see that coming. “So you spent a day with me and it's enough ? It makes up for the months you spent neglecting me ?”

Chanyeol sighs. “Baby listen, I thought we found a balance you and me, we don't always need to be attached by the hip all the time.”

Baekhyun watches Chanyeol changing back to that detached boyfriend he dislikes so much. “I know you don't want me there anyway, why do you even ask ?”

“Don't even start, you're actually the one who doesn't want to be there.”

Baekhyun stays mum, there's not much he can say unless it's the truth. He's never made the effort to get close to his friends and frankly he doesn't want to. He hates the fact that Chanyeol would rather have their company than to stay home with him. From a priority he became an option and the efforts Chanyeol made all day go to dust. Just like that.  
He tried, oh for Chanyeol he tried fighting off his social anxiety, he had made a considerable amount of efforts to adapt to his boyfriend's needs but it resulted too many times in his own discomfort and distress.  
It's all he ever did for Chanyeol over the years. He's always been trying to please him.  
He thinks it made his anxiety even worse ? There was this one time he had a panic attack while they had dinner with his friends. Baekhyun had rushed to the restaurant's toilets and he remembers Chanyeol asking why it took him over thirty minutes to come back to their table.  
He had lied that it was a phonecall that held him back but for real Baekhyun had practically been dying in there if it wasn't for another customer - who found him hyperventilating against the wall near the sink - who managed to calm him down.  
The irony is it was a therapist.  
He had given a card with his contacts on it but Baekhyun never called.

This fear, silent and creeping in his mind had changed Baekhyun little by little and he had found himself seeking protection and comfort from his boyfriend a lot.  
Baekhyun was tired of clinging to Chanyeol everytime they were out, tired of his friends's comments, calling him a toddler, a duckling following his mother.  
He was tired of hearing them laugh everytime he'd ask Chanyeol what he would be eating when they were examining the menu.  
He hated it how they made it a point of having Baekhyun sitting far from Chanyeol so he'd socialize and “let him breathe.”

All of that.  
Baekhyun was exhausted of feeling so worthless. He dreaded more and more going out with Chanyeol's friends until he stopped coming at all.  
He wonders if Chanyeol ever noticed ? Or if the importance of being socially accepted weighed more than his boyfriend's dignity ?

It struck him now that Chanyeol was getting ready to leave.

“Are you sure you dont want to come ?”

He shakes his head no. “Not when you've never taken my side, not even once so they'd stop teasing me, hurting me when you were right there.”

Here.  
He said it. It feels better now.

“For real ? You're going to start shit up now ?”

Baekhyun's baffled. “Start shit up ? Were you even there everytime Chanyeol ? When they called me your duckling ? A leech ?”

“They were joking Baekhyun come on !”

It's crazy how Chanyeol made his best all day to patch up his broken heart and how he really crushed it back carelessly. He's stepping on it right now.  
Baekhyun nods, his eyes on the floor. “Right, they were joking and I don't have a sense of humor I guess. Have a great time.”

He turns around and sits at his computer, puts his headset on and doesn't hear Chanyeol closing the door. Jongdae must have been waiting for a while, he promised him Battlegrounds tonight.

Everything comes back to normal, if normal means Chanyeol being out and about.  
Baekhyun finds back his routine of gaming and closing himself up in his own little world, where he's safe from an unwanted reality.  
There are times he invites Jongdae over and they order food, play together until Chanyeol comes home wasted and Jondage leaves quietly.  
It's always when Chanyeol is in the mood, but tonight Baekhyun isn't and it makes Chanyeol angry. He tells him that he shouldn't refuse considering they don't even have a sex life anymore.  
Baekhyun screams that he's not his whore.  
And Chanyeol sleeps on the couch that night and all the other nights.

They had planned to go on holidays together during april but their relationship is close to nothing these days. They wanted to go to Jeju Island and relax in a four star hotel, at least, that was the plan.  
Baekhyun still had a tiny hope that Chanyeol had booked everything like he promised until he tackled the subject one evening.  
Baekhyun was gaming and Chanyeol made him stop, face solemn.

“I have something to tell you.”

Baekhyun nods. He can still hear Jongdae whining in his headset. He forgets the mic is still on.

“Remember we were supposed to go to Jeju together for our joint holidays ?”

His heart swells with love, after all Chanyeol remembers.

“Well you know Mackenyu ? My japanese friend ?”

Baekhyun's smile disappears. He should have seen it coming. Chanyeol's a constant disappointment.

“He invited me to come to Tokyo. So maybe we could re-schedule Jeju another time ? And of course if you want to come to Japan with me ?”

It's the last straw. Baekhyun's done suffering for a selfish man. He doesn't know how to break it out to Chanyeol, really, and it isn't until he hears Jongdae in the headset that he exhales his frustration away.  
“That bastard how can he...”

Baekhyun's tired of being the problematic one everytime he complains to Chanyeol that he isn't doing things right for him. He wonders, why is he still in this stupid relationship ?  
Why is he crying and suffering so much for someone who only thinks of himself ?  
Chanyeol's going on about how he managed to get a cheap flight for that period and how he'll get to see the cherry trees in bloom. Baekhyun really wants to add “while I'll be withering here.”  
He doesn't want to be a third wheeler even if one of the two will be his own boyfriend. He's experienced it too much the way Chanyeol barely gives him the time of the day around his friends. He doesn't want to go only to find himself closed up in a hotel room while his boyfriend is on a tour with someone else.  
If only Chanyeol would care enough...He turns back towards the screen, he ignores how excited his boyfriend sounds.  
“Go to Japan Chanyeol, enjoy yourself.”

Chanyeol frowns. “Are you mad ? Won't you come with me ?”

“Japan's farther than Jeju, you know my fear of planes. Just go. I'll be fine.”

Chanyeol lingers around, he finds it weird that his boyfriend is so compliant. “Are you sure ?”

He presses the keyboards agressively, “You made me lose my lead, I'm sure yes and now let me play please.”

Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun's figure one last time before he exits their apartment to meet up with his colleagues. Only when the door closes and a minute or two has passed that Jongdae asks if he can talk.

“He's gone.”

“I can't believe it ! Fuck him okay ! Fuck your boyfriend !”

Baekhyun grimaces and lowers the volume. “Dae you almost made me deaf, keep it down.”

“Aren't you mad ? Fuck why are you even so calm Baekhyun ? How did you not snap at him ? He's an asshole !”

He laughs really, there's nothing else he can do right now than laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

“Look, I'm done, I'm over this. I can't do anything about it. He's got other priorities and it's time I set him free. I don't even know why he's still around.”

Baekhyun mercilessly kills another player and fires shots some more thinking of Chanyeol.  
“He's just attached.”

He's known all along that there's not any trace of love left for him in Chanyeol's heart.

The day Chanyeol leaves for Japan comes and Baekhyun stands before the entrance as his boyfriend makes sure he didn't forget anything.  
Baekhyun looks at his face, his expressions, his deep voice as he recites his check list and counts on his fingers. He will miss him, that he can't deny.  
He's not sure if he's ready to sleep alone without Chanyeol's warmth. There's a part of Baekhyun who doesn't want to let go of him. He'd like to keep Chanyeol with him in his dunjeon and lock the door, throw the key away.  
But it's not love, it's selfishess.

“Why are you looking at me like that ?” Chanyeol grins, takes a glance at the mirror in the entrance. “Ah...I'm too handsome right ?”

Baekhyun wonders now, did Chanyeol really love him all this time ? Isn't it just the fact that he loves the way Baekhyun loves him ?

“I just want to remember how you look like.”

In this moment, not on the pictures he has of Chanyeol in his phone.  
Only right now.  
This moment.

“I'll be gone two weeks, not forever baby ! Beside we can facetime so you won't forget my handsome face.” He laughs and traps Baekhyun between his big comfy arms. Baekhyun breathes him in, that smell so familiar and reassuring.  
He leans against his chest, holds tight. He really doesn't want to let go.  
Chanyeol chuckles against his hair, kisses his head multiple times. “You'll miss me that much ?”  
Baekhyun almost pushes him away at the choice of words. But he holds on anyway, it's his moment, it's the last time. He kisses his chest, presses his cheek more against his boyfriend. He closes his eyes as Chanyeol starts stroking his back.

“You're really my big baby.”

Baekhyun hurts at how Chanyeol always shows affection when he lets him have a life far from their apartment.  
It was only last night that they had sex after weeks.  
It's always when he lets go that Chanyeol loves him best.  
And it hurts a lot now that he realizes.

“I'll make it up to you, we'll go to Jeju and spend your birthday there, what do you think ?”

He fights back the tears. He repeats to himself that he shouldn't cry. He hums and nods. Chanyeol holds his face and kisses him like Baekhyun's the most precious on earth. He pours out what he believes is love but Baekhyun knows it's barely there.

“Don't be too bored without me.”

Baekhyun laughs, the need to cry really left him magically like that. “I've busied myself all this time you weren't there, don't worry.”

Chanyeol doesn't dwell on that, kisses his boyfriend more. “I love you my Baekhyunnie.”

“I love you my Chanyeollie.” His eyes shine too much and Chanyeol kisses his nose then his lips more.

“I gotta go...I'll call you once I land. Take care baby, I love you.”

The door closes and like that, just like that, Baekhyun draws the end of a five year old relationship, his first love, the only man he's ever been with, the one he thought was his soulmate.  
He's gone.

And Baekhyun finds himself crying against Jongdae who just arrived, hands full of comfort food and movie suggestions he'll certainly love.  
From 500 days of Summer to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Jongdae outdid himself. He really downloaded all of the break up movies and sits Baekhyun through most of them that day.  
But the worst had been Call Me By Your Name, this one left Baekhyun sobbing with snot and all against Jongdae's shoulder.

By 7pm, Baekhyun orders pizza, fried chicken and jjajangmyeon along with multiples bottles of soju he downs all night. Jongdae needs to shush him when he starts singing Adele's Someone Like You because it's just past 10 and he doesn't want the cops here.

They end up squished together in Baekhyun and Chanyeol's bed, minus Chanyeol who certainly landed in Haneda airport hours ago but forgot to call like he promised to.  
Baekhyun's eyes are swollen and red, whoever didn't know he was heartbroken would think he got high.

“Jongdae-yah...”

His friend smiles, body turned towards him. They're holding hands like they're in a sleepover party. Except they're adults and everything sucks.

“Will you help me move out my things ?”

Jongdae nods, erases a single tear falling with a warm finger. “Now stop crying. You'll be dehydrated at this rate.”

Baekhyun laughs. “If I can lose some water weight though...”

His hand is squeezed. “You'll be fine Baekhyun, you've progressed so much from the moment we met until now. You deserve to be happy...You took a decision to stand for yourself and even if you felt like a burden all these times with him I want you to open your eyes now and see for yourself that you're not. You're not defined by what happened, you're defined by what you do now. Wipe the slate clean.”

Jongdae gives him a comforting pat on the shoulder. “I'm proud of you Byun Baekhyun. You'll probably cry for the next few weeks and it's alright, you need to mourn this relationship and it won't be fine all he time but I'm here and I think you should really pay this therapist a visit...”

He agrees. He can't keep on living wih fear and anxiety holding him back.  
In a way, Baekhyun realizes it cost him a relationship too...If only he hadn't been paralyzed by his thoughts and if only Chanyeol had been understanding.  
The what ifs won't bring his relationship back and if they were meant to be, Baekhyun believes that they wouldn't have drifted apart so abruptly ?  
He isn't sure, he knows everything's not black and white but really, he warned Chanyeol countless times.  
Until disrespect became a habit and silence his best friend.

Jongdae helps him out that week end.  
Baekhyun cries and puts his belongings in boxes, he doesn't even know how he manages to do it through the tears that keep falling every now and then everytime he finds one of Chanyeol's gift or objects that bring back sweet memories shared.

Jongdae finds Baekhyun sitting on the floor in the bedroom, going through a photo album and he hasn't stopped crying from the last time he checked on him.  
“What are you doing ?”  
Baekhyun's reply comes in the form of a picture of him and Chanyeol when they were 20 years old. They were embraced lovingly, smiling from ear to ear, there were balloons around them and a cake on the table next to them. Baekhyun remembers it's Kyungsoo who took the picture.

“Chanyeol's 20th birthday...”

Baekhyun can't believe he's going to let go of everything, even of that 20 year old Chanyeol he loved with every cell in his body. He misses him, misses the Chanyeol who promised to never hurt him.  
“It's alright to keep the memories Baek. But don't live in the past.”

Again, Jongdae's full of wisdom.

“It's crazy how now that I'm doing this, I want to give up and stay even if it means being unhappy with Chanyeol.”

Jongdae takes him in his arms. It really hurts to see his friend like that. He recalls his own heartbreak years ago, too soon, too violent for barely legal Jongdae and he can't help but coax Baekhyun because no one was there for him back then.

“He really is the love of my life Dae.”

It's Jongdae's sad smile, or one of Chanyeol's hoodie he's wearing, or the whole absurd situation that shakes Baekhyun's body with sobs this time. “He's the love of my life...How do I live without him now ?”  
Jongdae can feel his pain, he's left powerless. He listens, he holds close, at one point his eyes turn blurry and he swallows back the tears.  
He's always had so much empathy but right now it's overwhelming how his heart breaks with Baekhyun's.

“I was so sure Dae, so sure that I'd have him by my side for a lifetime...That I'd wake up to his face until I grow old and wrinkled, that maybe we could adopt a kid or two and give them so much love...I was so sure but I ruined us.”

“Baekhyun don't say that.”

He looks at Jongdae and nods, his face screaming his pain. “I could have done better, I screwed up big time, I lost my soulmate.”

He clings to his friend, clings to Jongdae. “I love him so much it hurts, God Jongdae I wish I could die right now. I don't want to live without him, hell how did I even live before him ?”

His throat holds back something between a sob and a shout. Baekhyun chokes, his face red and blotchy, his breathing stutters with every attempt at collecting some air. His lungs rummage for oxygen even if he wants to die, he is drowning in his own tears, in his own feelings for Chanyeol.  
Baekhyun's collapsing, the pain coming out like an uproar and knocking him down hard. Another sob wracks him, these constant blows of pain tire him out.  
He's held and rocked by his friend, soaking his shirt with his sorrow. Jongdae catches his reflection on the huge mirror against the wall and he finds himself as broken as Baekhyun. Right now he despises love, he despises relationships, he hates it how wrecked humans become for it. It only brings despair.  
Baekhyun's the epitome of it.

“It might sounds cliché but I promise you that you'll feel fine one day. I can't say when or how, but you will.”

“For now it feels like I'm being ripped apart from the inside out.”

Jongdae nods with a sad smile. “Yeah, it feels like that.”

Baekhyun leans against the bed and his eyes won't leave the pictures he's holding, a testimony of a past with Chanyeol when he was the happiest he had ever been. “Am I a coward for not facing him and breaking up properly ?”

“He did nothing to make you stay, you don't owe him anything.”

“He's going to hate me when he comes back...” Baekhyun muffles a thin wail against the back of his hand, Jongdae gently grabs his hand.

“Don't feel guilty for leaving when it's all he ever did to you.”

The sobs calm down, Jongdae smiles as Baekhyun's button nose rises a little every time he sniffles with a pout. He wipes his cheeks with his hands, wipes Baekhyun's nose with the sleeve of his cardigan.  
His eyes are bloodshot and puffy from all the crying, his whole face is washed with a dull red including the tip of his nose. The quivering of his lips and how broken he looks make him appear so vulnerable, so small.  
“I really wish I could die Jongdae. You don't know how serious I am. I don't want to love ever again, I'm not fit for a heartbreak.”

“No one is Baek. Some people actually die from it but it's really sad how they didn't give themselves a chance to be happy again.”

He kisses Jongdae's cheek, even if the urge to cry doesn't leave, even if there's no hope in his heart right now but he loves his friend for being such a trustworthy support. “You're the best thing that happened to me in between all those sad months.”

They finish packing up Baekhyun's belongings, they even clean the apartment together and Baekhyun tells himself that it's like a ritual to let go, to start anew.  
When they're done, they sit together in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and Baekhyun puts on the table his part of the lease, the money of this month's rent and accepts the pen Jongdae is giving him.  
“Tell me when you're done.”

Jongdae stands up and sits on the couch, plugs in his earphones and starts watching something, giving Baekhyun all the silence and privacy he needs.

He stares at the white sheet of paper, his hand shakes.  
He has to start over countless times because his tears keep soaking the sheet.

Chanyeol tries to call Baekhyun when it's been two days he's in Tokyo. He sent a message a few hours after he landed but his boyfriend didn't reply.  
And with time passing by, it keeps worrying him more and more. He is sitting there with a fuming bowl of the best ramen in Tokyo and can't even eat because he finds it really strange how Baekhyun isn't showing any sign of concern for him.  
He reflects on why he keeps finding it suspicious when half of the time they don't even text each other as much as before and Baekhyun has stopped asking when Chanyeol would be coming home. They fought so many times about that reason in the past, Chanyeol recalls lashing out on his boyfriend more than once, saying that Baekhyun was suffocating him and that he needed space.  
So consequently, Baekhyun had stopped worrying for Chanyeol.

He calls again but he's forwarded to the voicemail.

“You should eat now, it's better when it's hot.”

He glances at his friend's face. “I can't reach Baekhyun.”

Mackenyu leans against Chanyeol and takes a peek at his screen, sees all his messages left on read except for the three last ones. “He read most of them though.”

“I don't know, it's weird.” He scratches his head, messes up his dark locks with a sigh.

“Maybe he's just mad about something.”

Baekhyun agreed for his trip to Japan, they left each other on good terms so why would he be mad ?  
Chanyeol's losing his mind, he's got a bad feeling at the back of his head and can't exactly pinpoint why. He suddenly wants to go back to Seoul.  
He's fearful of something unknown, foreign. A thousand thoughts cross his mind, nurturing the dread within.  
He doesn't eat, he stares into space and regrets ditching Baekhyun to be here. They act like roommates more than lovers for more than a year and it's disheartening how sad Baekhyun looks sometimes.  
He recalls their goodbyes and how his boyfriend's eyes shone too much.

Chanyeol misses Baekhyun, in Tokyo while he's in Seoul.  
He knows how much Baekhyun loves Japan yet he's not here. He could have convinced him to bear with a longer travel journey, he could have reassured Baekhyun instead of flying away on his own.  
It strikes him how selfish he's been.  
He used to bring Baekhyun everywhere with him even when he whined that he'd rather be home and he wonders how they turned into that, into a couple who doesn't share anything anymore apart from a bed and a few meals together.

Surely Baekhyun's mad.

The next day Chanyeol's in a worst state. He doesn't leave the bedroom in Mackenyu's apartment complex, he tells his friend he feels sick to avoid going out and tries desperately to reach Baekhyun.  
It rings but no one picks up.  
It's crazy how the past keeps haunting him.  
Chanyeol was the one who kept looking at the screen of his phone while Baekhyun kept calling him late at night to ask when he'd be coming home. He let it ring so many times before, annoyed by a boyfriend who couldn't live without him.  
He regrets it now that he wants Baekhyun to pick up the call and ask about his japanese adventures.

Uneasy and agitated he decides to call Kyungsoo.

“What do you mean you can't reach Baekhyun ? Aren't you guys supposed to be together in Jeju ?”

Chanyeol wants to dig a hole and burry himself in it. “I had a change of plans, I'm in Tokyo right now.”

Kyungsoo sighs, very audibly and Chanyeol hates that. He knows that his best friend is about to lecture him.

“Are you stupid Park Chanyeol ? I swear you never learn...If only you knew just how much Baekhyun was looking forward that trip...But you're too busy having your head up your own arse.”

He sits up, alert and ready to receive whatever information his best friend has about his missing boyfriend.

“What do you mean ?”

Kyungsoo takes his sweet time to reply, that's what his dumb best friend deserves.

“We both know – and Baekhyun first – that your relationship is going down the drain but you still ditched Baekhyun to go to Japan to see that friend of yours ? What's your excuse ? You guys agreed on these two weeks to take a paid leave from work, you both did it to spend time with each other, didn't you ?”

Chanyeol can't speak really.

“Baekhyun told me that he would be taking it as a chance to rekindle the flame, to properly talk to you about your relationship but you had to ruin everything Park Chanyeol.”

“I didn't know...”

It's barely a whisper but Kyungsoo hears it. As miserable as his best friend must feel, he doesn't give a damn because he remembers Baekhyun's tears that one night they spent at Minseok's. The living room was full of beers and food and Kyungsoo had found a crying Baekhyun in the bathroom.  
He had followed him there after Chanyeol dismissed him, telling Baekhyun to stop clinging to his arm while he was eating.  
Kyungsoo wouldn't call that clinging.  
Baekhyun had just been resting his cheek against Chanyeol's biceps.  
That was all.  
The hurt flashing in his eyes was the warning he needed to follow him and see the wet stains on his cheeks.

“You know what ? You might be my best friend but you really fucked up. If I were Baekhyun, I'd have dumped you a long time ago.”

Chanyeol chuckles bitterly at that. “Really now ?”

“Hate me all you want Yeol, that's what best friends are for, to tell you when you fuck shit up. He's been suffering on his own and you didn't even notice.”

If Kyungsoo wants him to feel terrible now, he certainly succeeded.

“You used to know Baekhyun like the back of your hand but you can't even tell now that he's been unhappy with you all this time.”

Kyungsoo doesn't even wait for Chanyeol to speak again. He hangs up on him just like that after opening up the pandora box of his relationship.  
Chanyeol hates himself, too blinded by his own needs that he discarded Baekhyun's.  
He can't believe he's been so inconsiderate all this time.

Chanyeol books a plane ticket to Seoul on the 5th day. There's no point in staying now that he knows Baekhyun's feelings. Mackenyu's attempts at cheering him up didn't work, he had tried to take him to a club the night before, had tried to show him around Tokyo but none of that helped Chanyeol feel better.  
He had been struck by the hard truth from Kyungsoo: he was a terrible boyfriend to Baekhyun for too long now and he was scared that he couldn't do anything to fix it after spending so much time in the dark.

His anxiety doesn't leave him for the whole flight, he hasn't been able to sleep well for the past three days and he feels a little better when he finally lands in Seoul. He tries to reach Baekhyun, again, but this time it doesn't even ring, it goes straight to voicemail and like the messages left unread, Chanyeol's worry is eating him up from the inside out.

He doesn't understand right away. Chanyeol calls Baekhyun out but it seems like he's not home.  
His eyes scan the whole apartment he shares with Baekhyun and it hits him only when he notices that Baekhyun's gaming computer has disappeared, from the gaming chair, to the headset and the keyboard, everything's gone.  
His hands shake and he rushes to the bedroom to find everything neat and tidy. There's a slight relief but it turns to dust when he wants to be sure...But when he opens the drawers and the wardrobe he finds Baekhyun's side empty...  
The bathroom finishes to crush him when he spots his products and none of Baekhyun's.  
His toothbrush is gone too.

Chanyeol's heart is beating insanely fast, he rubs his face and curses out loud.  
Then he sees the bills on the table of the kitchen, the part of Baekhyun's lease and an enveloppe...  
Chanyeol's name is on it and he recognizes Baekhyun's particular handwriting. He exhales all of his frustration away and already knows what it means.  
He's no fool.  
Baekhyun's gone from their nest.  
And he knows damn well this isn't a love letter here.  
He feels incredibly sad and wounded, it's unfair he thinks, how Baekhyun didn't say anything five days ago when they kissed a last time in the entrance.  
With shaking hands, he opens the enveloppe and he has to take a minute to calm himself down.

_My Chanyeollie,_

_It's so weird to call you like this a last time. You're probably surprised. I understand if you resent me right now but you have to know it was the hardest decision I've ever taken._   
_ We spent five long years together, time really waits for no one..._   
_ I will always remember all of our first times together because I've never been happier than during those moments with you. Do you remember our first kiss ?_   
_ It was our first date and frankly I didn't expect you to kiss me like that only minutes into it. You laughed and said you couldn't help yourself, we were in that park near the dorm and you were so heart fluttering you have no idea._   
_ From a best friend you became so much more._   
_ You were all of my first times. I've never wanted to sleep with another man, you know. I know I wasn't your first and it's probably why I am so madly in love with you._   
_ I love you in crashing waves, in solitude, in bitterness, in consuming passion, in distance and in acting like nothing affects me. Like your absence isn't the end of my world._   
_ I love you probably in the wrong way and I've caused you to leave the ship while I sunk so low._   
_ Right now, having you gone for Tokyo instead of us being together in Jeju feels like a bad dream. I've tried to tell myself to bear with it for two weeks, to stay, to try and talk to you when you're back._   
_ But I can't Chanyeol. It was supposed to be us, you and me, a beautiful island, a hotel room, new memories, a heartfelt conversation about us and maybe a new beginning...And you stole it away._   
_ I told myself “Baekhyun-ah, it's ok, you too go somewhere and have your own healing time, busy yourself for two weeks.”_   
_ I'll never be busy enough not to miss you, I've never been busy enough to forget you were escaping me._   
_ You're like sand Chanyeol._   
_ I try to keep you in the palm of my hands but you slip away everytime._   
_ I can't hold on anymore to someone who wants to get away so much._   
_ I'm tired of forgiving that you aren't sorry for hurting me._   
_ So I'm letting you go. I don't know how long you would have taken to end it all so I'm the one who leaves, for once._   
_ You're free Park Chanyeol. No longer chained by a clingy boyfriend with anxiety and too many issues to make you happy anymore. I'm sorry I've changed so much, that my bubbly and silly self turned into this scared puppy. I tried living up to my parents's expectations but you know how I picked a major to please them, how much I regret it now. The pressure of it all affected me so much, the fact I couldn't get into that company I wanted, all of my failures and crushed dreams turned me into this frustrated and depressed adult._   
_ It's not your fault._   
_ It's not mine either._   
_ I just wanted to be a good son._   
_ I still think that I'd have loved seeing you standing up for me so many times when your friends were being too much...It triggered me so much that I stopped coming with you. It's funny how now, I regret not standing up for myself instead of counting on you._   
_ I should have shut them up. I should have made you treat me better._   
_ I really had issues with my self esteem, I still do but I'll work hard now to become a Baekhyun who's strong._   
_ It's a time of emotional growth for me._   
_ So even if you made me really sad and unhappy, you also bring those changes in me._

_My most precious possessions are left in the pictures of us through the years. Especially the first three years together. God, Chanyeol we were so happy. The way you used to look at me...I've never noticed until today when I went through the pictures..._   
_ I wish I had the power to go back to the past, I'd have frozen you the way you were back then. The way I loved you best, the way you'll never be again._   
_ I still think you're the love of my life...I'll never love anyone like I love you. You're my soulmate, you're my best friend, you're the best thing that happened to me until now._   
_ You gave me so much love Chanyeol, you spoiled me and took care of me well. I hope I made you feel loved and appreciated, I hope you were a little bit happy with me Chanyeol._   
_ I hope we weren't living a lie and my perceptions were all wrong._

_So as I've always wanted you happy, I think it's time we put an end to this before it becomes uglier than it already is. I wish I had the nerve a lot earlier, before I turned into this sad clown..._   
_ Thank you for loving me one last night before you left._   
_ Your arms felt like home and I'm terrified of the foreign uncertainty my life will turn into now._

_I'm going to miss you so much Chanyeol. I've been used to deal with the absence of you but not this emptiness that is creeping in my heart as I write those words. I can't remember life before you, it's crazy and terrifying._   
_ Nothing will ever be the same._   
_ I have to accept it so I can heal from us and be at peace._

_This letter, I can't seem to stop writing it, like the moment I'll write the final word, I'd really put an end to us._   
_ So Chanyeollie, I'm sorry I left like this. I don't think I'd have had the guts to tell you face to face because I love you too much and I'd have stayed._   
_ I will change of phone number while you're in Japan so if you try to reach me when you're back in Seoul, it won't work. It's better this way Chanyeol-ah..._   
_ I'll get my own apartment, I'll resign from my workplace. So don't go there and try to see me, I'll be long gone..._   
_ It's my new beginning. I let go of everything, you included._

_Let's meet one day, when we've healed and let's be friends again._   
_ Thank you for loving me._   
_ You'll always be in my heart Chanyeol._

_I love you,_   
_ Baekhyun_

Chanyeol stays there, silenced by the tear stained letter his Baekhyunnie wrote before disappearing from his life. His heart's in so much pain, his own tears are pooling but they never fall, oh God, Chanyeol wants to cry but he can't bring himself to. He still wonders if it's real, isn't it one of these old pranks Baekhyun affectionated in college ?  
He hates himself so much suddenly.

“I was so stupid Baekhyunnie.” He talks to himself, his eyes go around the room and try to look for a ghost of a lover he misses horribly. He can't hear the aggressive keyboard smashing in the background, his curses and screams everytime he gets killed in the game.  
He won't hear him whine that he's hungry but the fridge is empty and that he's too tired from work to go grocery shopping. Chanyeol won't hear him say that he craves his sausage recipe at 2am after they've had tiring sex.  
He won't see him cry anymore after they've argued and Chanyeol won't be able to embrace him tight and whisper that he's sorry.  
He regrets.  
He's immersed in regrets.  
Chanyeol thinks that he should have stayed home more and try to talk to Baekhyun about his fears and why they were eating him up so much.  
It's really when they are gone that you miss them the most. It's when you know they won't be here for you anymore.  
It's that selfish, he thinks.

He tries, one last time, to call Baekhyun's number.  
It's dead.  
He calls Sehun. He wants to know if he heard anything from Baekhyun. The maknae says no.  
So he calls Jongin. He doesn't know about Baekhyun, why ?  
He'll tell him another time.  
Minseok hyung too. He's clueless, he's asking if they argued again ? He hears him say, Chanyeol you need to take care of Baekhyun, he loves you a lot, if you don't stop hurting him he'll leave.  
Chanyeol laughs, he laughs bitterly.

So at last, he calls his best friend, Kyungsoo.

“What is it Chanyeol ?”

“Can you come by my place as soon as you can ?”

His voice's so soft and broken, Kyungsoo's scared. “Chanyeol are you alright ? You're back in Seoul ?”

“It's been two hours I landed. Can you come please ?”

“I'll be there soon.”

When he opens the door and sees Chanyeol in the kitchen with two bottles of soju, his fingers around a letter, Kyungsoo understands.  
His hands are shaking as he downs another shot of alcohol, burning his insides with it to forget why he feels so miserable now.  
Kyungsoo sits silently in front of his best friend whose eyes are still riveted on the sheets of paper he's holding. He's almost afraid to speak, as if any noise would break Chanyeol into pieces.  
So naturally he finds himself almost whispering.

“What happened Chanyeol-ah ?”

He raises his head, his bloodshot eyes get flooded and there, Chanyeol starts to cry. He's been collecting his sadness for an hour, too scared to cry on his own.  
But now Kyungsoo's here and his words turned the faucet on. He isn't sure if Kyungsoo ever saw him cry before but here he was, showing no mask to the person he loved most after Baekhyun.

“He's gone. I'm so stupid, I don't even know why I didn't see it coming.”

Kyungsoo holds his hand briefly, he squeezes and lets go when Chanyeol pours himself more soju.

“I treated him like dirt, I don't even know why I'm crying, why I'm feeling so bad. Why is it so surprising that he said fuck you to me like that ?”

“Because you took him for granted.”

Chanyeol chuckles bitterly and hands the letter handwritten by Baekhyun to Kyungsoo. “See for yourself, you were right. I should have taken your warning seriously that night when you scolded me at Minseok's.”

Kyungsoo pushes his glasses up his nose and starts reading, a little embarrassed because Baekhyun probably didn't want anyone else reading it than Chanyeol.  
He reads everything, he sees the stains of the tears and he doesn't know if they're Baekhyun's or Chanyeol's. He raises his head to see his friend holding his head while he silently cries. He makes no sound, it's a waterfall on his cheeks.  
Kyungsoo's touched. He understands Baekhyun perfectly and holds no resentment for him. He took the best decision, for both of them.  
For Chanyeol especially.

“Maybe one day you'll be mature enough to love Baekhyun again.”

Chanyeol sadly smiles. “He'll find someone else. Baekhyun attracts people so easily and naturally while I work for that.”

Kyungsoo holds his hand, it's difficult for Chanyeol to stop crying.

“You know that he always made me shine ? Even with my group of friends from highschool, they can mock you a lot, it's the way they are but everytime Baekhyun was with me, he'd praise me, always even when the story involved him in a displeasing way...So really now I wonder why he lighted himself on fire just so I'd shine a little ? He was hurting because of them, he stopped going out with us. He stayed home alone...And I didn't even make the effort to see them less.”

“Baekhyun gives a lot but he receives so little.”  
Kyungsoo wasn't saying it to harm Chanyeol, it was just a statement. “You love that Chanyeol, you crave the attention, you like it when people orbit around you while Baekhyun's selfless. He's a satellite type of person.”

It's beautiful but if only Baekhyun was the moon, he'd always be here at least.

“Baekhyun thought you didn't love him anymore...He told me that day at Minseok, when he was crying in the bathroom.”

Chanyeol shakes his head, he wonders how Baekhyun even got that stupid idea. Kyungsoo continues.

“He believed you weren't brave enough to break up with him, that you were probably scared of his reaction.”

He pours himself another drink. “I've never stopped loving him. This love may have lessened, that I can't lie because to be honest Kyungsoo, I was tired of him hiding away and I hated coming home to see he wouldn't go outside and enjoy life with me anymore. We weren't sharing anything anymore.”

He takes a deep breath, looking back on their relationship hurts him a lot now. He really was lying to himself all this time.

“I admit I loved him less but I love him still. It wasn't the Baekhyun I fell in love with so I can't hide that I had less desire for him but my love for him is still there. He's still my baby.”

The love lessened, the desire to possess Baekhyun's body too but everytime they'd do it, Chanyeol had craved his body just the same way as in the beginning. It's sorrowful how he had tried reassuring Baekhyun in the end, confessing his love and having someone who didn't even believe him.  
If trust was gone, even if Baekhyun had stayed, their couple wouldn't have lasted longer anyway.

“I wasn't someone like that to him before...What happened to me ? Where's the Chanyeol who made him fall head over heels ?”

Kyungsoo doesn't want to give unenecessary comments, so he just sits there and offers emotional support. He wants to bring Chanyeol home, to make him leave this place full of his memories with Baekhyun so that he can at least sleep and lessen the dark circles under his eyes.

He's curled up on a brand new bed, too large for his lonely self.  
He's been unable to sleep for weeks without the sleeping pills the doctor had prescribed him and he's lost some weight, he left his appetite behind when he left Chanyeol.  
It worries Jongdae so he comes by regularly and they eat out or cook healthy meals together.  
It's hard, Baekhyun thought it'd be easier to fight the withdrawal symptoms and once again the night before he had cried because he couldn't find Chanyeol's smell in the brand new sheets.  
He can't find him anywhere anymore.  
He wants to go back to their apartment, he wants to see Chanyeol and kiss him again, make him forget he even left in the first place.

But he fights back the urge. He promised himself, you have to do this Baekhyun.  
He called all of their common friends. Most of them understood but Sehun.  
He lashed out a little on Baekhyun.

“Hyung is a mess, he loves you and you left like a robber.”

Baekhyun cried after that call. He doesn't blame Sehun, he's soft-hearted towards his hyungs. He's loyal, that's what Kyungsoo told him.

“I'll talk to Sehun, don't worry.”

Baekhyun needed to be sure, he needed to know. It was a selfish plea.

“How's Chanyeol doing ?”

Curiosity killed the cat, really.

“Terribly if you want the truth. He blames himself a lot. But I still think it's for the best. Chanyeol needs to work on himself. And you do so too.”

Baekhyun chuckles at that. “It's hard for me too Soo. I can't get used to a life without him. Sometimes I'm scared I will never be able to.”

“Learn to be on your own again. Once you do that Baekhyun, you'll feel better real quick.”

Baekhyun does that. He decides to buy furnitures for his apartment, so it feels less empty and more like home. He starts to go back to his previous hobbies, he meets with his hapkido teacher and starts to give teaching classes every evening.  
It's a real challenge for him who spent so much time closed up at home and he takes it willingly.  
Jongdae convinces him to take singing lessons again, to go re-trace the steps from his past, before he had to pursue a career for his parents and not for himself.  
He told them over dinner a month ago.  
Baekhyun faced his parents and announced he resigned from work and that he wants to do what he likes truly. His father left the table, his mother ate silently after scolding him.  
It's my life, Baekhyun said.

Baekhyun's birthday the worst.  
He remembers Chanyeol's promise of that trip they never got to experience in Jeju. He finds himself thinking that maybe if he hadn't left, they'd be there now.  
He's turning 26 without a boyfriend who's always been there: when he graduated, when he got his first job, when he got his wisdom teeth removed, when he mastered the art of poached eggs.  
Jongdae takes him out to eat, to drink and when he's drunk the urge to see Chanyeol is unbearable. So he takes out his phone but he can't find his number in the contacts.  
So he tries to remember his phone number but he doesn't.  
He cries, in the bar, he cries and Jongdae's powerless.

One day he goes grocery shopping and it's that brand of chocolate bar that makes him swallow his tears.

He remembers Chanyeol in habits, in the songs they used to sing, in those limited edition sneakers they bought together.

He wants to talk to him about everything. And everything reminds him of Chanyeol.

Little by little, Baekhyun accepts that he has to live a life without him.

The therapy helps, his anxiety's still there but he copes with it better than in the past. He goes out more, he makes new friends in singing class.  
He still calls Minseok and Kyungsoo sometimes but he doesn't ask about Chanyeol anymore.  
He improves his singing a lot and in the meantime he starts studying music at the Korean University of Arts.  
Baekhyun tells himself it's never too late to do what you want, there's no peremption date and the pursuit of his happiness will be long lasting.

Sixteen months later, Baekhyun's on stage in a jazzy bar that night.  
It's been a few weeks the owner books him on friday nights to play the piano and sing for the tired souls who need a serenade to empty their heads.  
And Baekhyun's charms have worked its magic, the owner offered him a permanent spot for the six following months. It's not the career in music he'd have dreamt of but Baekhyun's the happiest when he sings and if his voice can bring even a little joy to the customers of the bar, he gladly gives it. He wants to teach singing but he knows he needs to master it first.

He stands under the spotlight, bows politely as the crowd cheers for him and sits at the grand black piano with a smile. His eyes scan the place, he notices Jongdae sitting with Kyungsoo and the others.  
He turns back to the music sheet in front of him and when silence engulfs the place, Baekhyun starts playing. From the first notes the crowd cheers and some people whistle, Baekhyun can't help but break into a grin before he starts singing the first lines of The Moon of Seoul by Kim Gun Mo.

He's outstanding.

Kyungsoo's amazed at how much his friend improved. He's seen Baekhyun being a shadow of happiness, a living dead carrying himself through his agonizing heartache. He remembers Baekhyun's swollen red eyes in Minseok's bathroom, the pitiful sobs against his shoulder because Chanyeol didn't know how to love him anymore. Kyungsoo saw the way Baekhyun shrunk himself so Chanyeol would steal the spotlight anytime. “Are you really crying for that dumbass I have as a best friend ?”  
Baekhyun's lips were quivering. From there, they could hear their friends laughing in the living room because once again Jongin had dirtied Minseok's carpet with food crumbs.

“I love him...”

Kyungsoo shook his head. These stupid feelings.

“Maybe you should consider loving yourself as much as you love him.”

And finally, after long and painful months, Baekhyun seemed to have listened to Kyungsoo's words. And Kyungsoo's proud of him...  
The hand that taps his shoulder make him turn around and he falls face to face with Chanyeol whose eyes are glued on his ex boyfriend.

“You made it !”

Chanyeol nods, mouth hanging open. He can't believe that this is the man he used to date. He can feel that someone's staring at him and he slightly looks to his right, Jongdae's here and they quickly greet each other.  
Baekhyun's friend is probably thrilled by the sheer look of surprise on his face and he really doesn't care.  
He forgot that Baekhyun could shine so bright.  
He isn't even sure if he ever knew how much.  
The jazzy song sets a warm atmosphere in the bar, the heads here and there are moving to the melody along and a few couples are dancing in the corner near the stage.  
Chanyeol's dazzed by Baekhyun's smile, he's enjoying himself so much.

Without a doubt, Chanyeol knows that he's never stopped loving him. It's crazy how Baekhyun changed, how the winter of his life turned into a beautiful spring and he's blooming like the most beautiful flower in a garden.

_♪ Tonight looking at the moon_   
_ That is melancholy_   
_ You're also as lonely as me_   
_ Living with an empty heart ♪_

Chanyeol wonders, is Baekhyun living like this now ? An empty heart but a busy life ?  
From the cheers, he can see how much Baekhyun's loved and it fills his heart with satisfaction because the Baekhyun who wouldn't go outside has changed so much.

“I've never heard him sing until tonight.” Kyungsoo's there, arms crossed, amazed by a talent that was unknown to him until few minutes ago.

“He had to stop singing because of his parents...It triggered him I think. He used to sing in front of me sometimes. But I'd have never imagined that he'd go back to it seriously, I only got to be with Baekhyun the Business major.”

The song comes to an end, the cheers are deafening and Chanyeol claps along with the little crowd of the bar. Baekhyun stands up and bows, anounces that he'll be back on stage after a short break.  
It's when Sehun, Jongin and Minseok gather around Chanyeol to hug him and say hello. Jongdae's standing at the side, a quiet witness of what looks like a reunion.

“What are you doing here ?” Sehun's shocked by his hyung's presence.

“Chanyeol hyung, I thought you wouldn't come !” Jongin's ecstatic.

“Wait what do you mean ? You knew he'd be here and you didn't tell me ?”

Minseok watches the scene with a smile and Chanyeol doesn't know what to do. The bickering between Sehun and Jongin quiets down though when the star of the night shows up a few steps away, offering a dazzling smile to Jongdae who just gave him a bouquet of flowers.

“Congratulations on your solo stage Byun Baekhyun !”

They briefly hug until Jongin and Sehun rush to him, almost making him lose his balance. Minseok's already scolding them, Kyungsoo's clapping for him and Chanyeol takes advantage of the moment to let them have a moment with Baekhyun. He's held back by Jongdae suddenly. “Where are you going ?”

“I need a drink, I'll see him once the kids calm down.”

Jongdae smiles and sets him free.  
Chanyeol wishes he had arrived earlier, he'd have had a few drinks already and the perspective of seeing his ex after a little more than a year since their break up wouldn't be so terrifying. He's really not the same Baekhyun...  
He's lost weight, he looks more fit and Chanyeol wonders if he's been hitting the gym. His blond hair's gone and he's a fiery shade of red. He's elegantly dressed, he left the large sized hoodies behind.  
His ex boyfriend had always been gorgeous but he's really something else now. And it's a slap in his face, it really feels like Baekhyun's invitation tonight is a way to show Chanyeol he should have treated him better.  
A type of way to say that if he didn't love him at his worst, he didn't deserve him now.  
Chanyeol can't say otherwise. A part of himself is here to steal Baekhyun's heart away a second time but he really wants to give up now.  
He orders a highball and looks at his reflection in the mirror behind the barman. He makes sure he looks presentable as he had to hurry there. It's funny how he's always been the most confident one in their relationship but he's suddenly self conscious and almost intimidated by Baekhyun.

He takes a sip and slightly grimaces. “It's really not the taste of the ones I drink in Japan.”

His blood runs cold when he feels the warm hand on his arm and a look ahead in the mirror confirms his fear.

“Hey, you're here.”

Their eyes meet and Chanyeol loses himself in the pupils of his ex boyfriend who's bewitching from up close. Baekhyun can't help but laugh at his reaction. “I thought you wouldn't come.”

He can't help it, he holds Baekhyun's hands. “Kyungsoo told me it was important. I missed too many occasions to be here for you in the past, I didn't want to waste another chance.”

He smiles adorably, and he realizes now that he has no grudges left for Chanyeol. He's at peace with the ugly side of their story together. Finally.

“You're beyond gorgeous tonight. You've always been but doing the things you love it makes you more beautiful.”

Baekhyun stutters, he isn't used to so much praising, it's been a long time since Chanyeol complimented him. He presses his hands against his cheeks, they must be red but he doesn't want to act shy around Chanyeol. “I-...Thank you.”

They sit together at the bar. A few people pass by and congratulate Baekhyun on his stage. He tells them the show's not over yet and focuses on Chanyeol again.

“How's Japan ?”

“It's nice...I really love it there. But I'm coming back soon.”

Baekhyun's surprised. “I thought you were there permanently.”  
Chanyeol shakes his head. “I'm training there with a Chef, I'll come back to Seoul to open a restaurant with my mom.”

Baekhyun's genuinely happy for Chanyeol. “It's great, when are you opening ?”

“Probably around november ? We are renovating an old restaurant at the moment. I came for you but also to supervise with my mom how the renovation is going.”

“I hope you invite me for the opening.”

Chanyeol smiles. “Of course. My mom's going to be happy to see you, she misses you a lot...And I miss you too.”

Baekhyun can't help himself, his hand rests naturally on Chanyeol's forearm, gently. “I've never been able to tell you but I'm sorry for the way I left. I'm sorry for hurting you.”

Chanyeol's hand covers his. “You did the right thing. Your decision not only changed your life, it also changed mine. I'm sorry that I hurt you so much Baekhyun. I've never deserved you.”

Baekhyun's shaking his head, disagreeing with Chanyeol but he won't let him say otherwise. He's shushing him before he can even speak. “You shook me awake and you made me see that you were worth so much more than what I was giving you.”

Chanyeol's thumb is stroking the back of his hand lovingly. Baekhyun's burned by the touch he tried so hard to forget. He finds himself thinking of Chanyeol's mouth against his and he'd like to know if the taste of him would feel familiar, like the madeleine of Proust, a treasure from the past never forgotten.  
He stops himself from showing his inner thoughts, pours cold water over a desire for his ex never quite gone. For now it's all lust and tenderness, nothing more. He's softened by Chanyeol's words and shy display of affection.

“Do you think the right people with the wrong timing ever get a second try ?”

The question unsettles him. Chanyeol's bold and it's probably because Baekhyun's still holding his forearm. He softly retracts it to steal Chanyeol's drink, takes a long sip and gives it back with a little grin.

“You think you're the right one ?”

Baekhyun's sassy mouth...Chanyeol missed it.

“You're my soulmate Baekhyunnie. You will always be.”

“Maybe we'll fail a second time Yeollie.”

Chanyeol looks away, he knows it's a gentle rejection and he really doesn't want to insist. Baekhyun found a balance in his life that he couldn't have when they were together and maybe, just maybe, Baekhyun's right. They'd fuck up twice instead of once.  
He stands up to take a call on his ringing phone and excuses himself. Jongdae takes place on the stool where Chanyeol was sitting a minute ago, the night's early and Baekhyun still has six songs left to sing.

“I thought you'd kiss, the pinning was extremely uncomfortable for us to watch.”

Baekhyun chuckles at that. “I'm safe besides I know from Kyungsoo that he hooks up regularly with this Japanese friend of his. So it really dampened the mood on my side.”

Jongdae stares knowingly, not buying it. “You still look at him like before though.”

Baekhyun rests his head against Jongdae's shoulder with a sigh. “I told you back then, he's the love of my life.”

Jongdae leans his head against his.

“Byun Baekhyun, you can have plenty loves of your life.”

He's right, the possibilities are endless.

Jongdae and the others have left and Baekhyun finds himself exiting the bar at 1am with Chanyeol. If he had the desire before, he's now sure he doesn't want to make a mistake when he's been improving so much for the past few months.  
He has learned to live a life without him, he has learned to cope with the anxiety fits and calm himself down. It's probably also that voice inside his head that keeps repeating that Chanyeol had gradually stopped loving him when he was hitting low and that he's probably thrilled by the sight of a Baekhyun who has cleaned the mess of his life.  
Baekhyun nursed himself, picked himself up the ground, cleaned his wounds and put himself together back again without Chanyeol. And he knows now, more than a year after the break up that he can live a life without him just fine.  
He isn't sure if he wants him again. It's probably nostalgia luring him, lust disguised as love, the memories of their happy beginnings, that honeymoon phase that sent him on cloud nine their first year...

What came after wasn't quite the relationship he had signed up for.  
He doesn't want a second chance to ruin everything again after he's painfully built himself up back from scratch. Maybe Chanyeol figured it out because he looks dejected and sad. They stand outside together and it looks like it'll rain soon, the air's heavy. It could make this summer night a little less suffocating.  
Baekhyun's breathless under Chanyeol's stare.

“What's wrong with you ?”

Chanyeol purses his lips, his hands hidden in the pockets of his jeans. “I'm mad at myself for losing you, still.”

Baekhyun laughs, even if it saddens his ex. “You wouldn't say that if you had found me back in front of my computer playing games.”

It hurts. It really shatters Chanyeol's on the inside. “It was your only way to cope with your emotions. I made a nasty job at understanding that back then.”

“I still play games Chanyeol. I do socialize more but I still spend a lot of time playing games at home.”

Baekhyun still sees the hurt on his face. “I know Baekhyun, when we met you were into games. I get what you're trying to say and frankly, I don't even want to have this conversation. You lost your trust in me back then but if I had stopped having feelings for you, I'd have stopped saying that I love you.”

He makes a point, thinks Baekhyun. “I'm sorry.”  
Chanyeol's not finished though, he's like an opened faucet, it pours out and Baekhyun knows that it's the way he left without letting him speak his mind that makes him confide right now.

“I haven't been able to date anyone, do you know that ? I can't love anyone else. You know my friend in Tokyo...Well we... I have needs and it's a mutual agreement. There's nothing more than sex between us. But no one's you Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun's mum, he listens, he can't say a word. He appreciates Chanyeol's honesty, even if he knew – courtesy of Do Kyungsoo – that his ex was playing friends with benefits in Tokyo.

“It's still you, after all this time, it's you Baekhyun. And if you offer me a second chance, I'll make sure not to ruin it.”

Baekhyun's tired, he wants to go home, take a cold shower because his shirt starts to stick to his skin. It's too hot outside, Chanyeol's too emotional and the mix of it all makes him dizzy.  
He opens up his arms for Chanyeol and the taller doesn't waste a second, he rushes against Baekhyun like a frightened child. It's unbearable to do that in the middle of the heat wave of this summer's night but the sadness in his eyes softened Baekhyun too much.

“I don't know if there's a future for you and me again Chanyeol.”

His hold is tightening, he can feel Chanyeol's breath against his ear. He's suddenly kissing his hair, like he used to do before. “Let's live like we did since the break up, let's be friends again and if we're meant to be, we'll find each other again Baekhyunnie.”  
Baekhyun smiles against his chest. “Let's do that Chanyeollie.”

The rain starts to fall on two men embraced in the streets of Seoul.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this oneshot when I was in a dark place mentally last march and I was determined to give it a very sad ending.  
But as time passed by, I couldn't bring myself to be so cold-hearted and also, in the meantime I got better ^^
> 
> After reviewing it a thousand times, I've decided to share it. I did cry on some parts when I wrote that lmao. 
> 
> The title is from Onestar's song of course, if you guys watch Baekhyun's IG lives, you'll know which song it is. it's funny how I started writing Baekhyun having a solo stage but it was in march and I didn't know yet he'd be stunning with City Lights ;)
> 
> I'll update my other story soon, I have some AUs I'm preparing too. I hope I let you evade from your daily life just a little with this and I'd love to read your impressions. Thank you to whoever reads it until the end, I truly appreciate. 
> 
> To next time ^^  
A.


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